My intention today was to again write about fitness to keep me motivated in my goals. I went on my walk and didn’t eat anything too unhealthy. So everything is right on that front. I will instead write about something that has been on my mind for a while now.

Tonight, I resigned from my position on the USC Lambda Board of Directors. It is a volunteer board for the LGBT alumni associate of my Alma Mater. I have been involved with this organization for nearly a decade, and it has left me with many fond memories. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, but tonight it was time to face the truth and admit that I could no longer commit the appropriate time to the Lambda. I put on Wagner’s Tristan und Isolde and sat myself in front of my computer to draft my letter of resignation. As best I could, I emphasized how grateful I was to have enjoyed a leadership role within the organization for so long. I would have liked to have had my swan song, but alas, the pandemic has put an end to in-person events. When I was finally satisfied with my letter, I hesitated once more and turned to face the dimly lit bookshelves of the room. Convinced this was the wise and necessary choice, I sent it. Another chapter closed.

I sat there for a few more minutes and switched the music to Leif Ove Andsnes’ Album Sibelius: Piano Pieces. 

Now I am writing on here and pondering what new chapters may lay ahead.

I’ve been feeling a little bloated these last couple of weeks, and it’s gotten me thinking about getting my fitness back on track after a few years of neglect, if I’m honest. I’ve been going on my walks for the last few days, and I keep telling myself that I’m going to try a different approach this time. I won’t focus on numbers, the scale, or maintaining records other than my walks.

But who am I kidding? If it doesn’t get measured, it will never get done, especially for myself, who loves data. 

The other reason I took a hard look today at what I need to do and hence why I’m writing about it here is that I watched Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead. People being fat because they overeat unhealthy food and exercise too little is nothing new to me. However, I found a shockingly common attitude of people willing to risk a shorter lifespan in exchange for “enjoying” those fewer years to the fullest, rather than sacrificing their current lifestyle to pursue a healthier and longer life. It was eye-opening because I have told people this many times, convinced it was a good rationale. To hear someone else utter these same sentiments seemed tragic and heartbreaking because, like me, they must feel so utterly hopeless that they give themselves this fabricated comfort of living a happy life. 

Rest assured, my outlook on life is very positive. However, I need to bring this part of my life in line with the rest. I want to be that person again to get up and run 13 miles just for fun and compete in 26.2-mile races. I don’t want to be the person that has a closet full of clothes that don’t fit. I want the person in the mirror to look as good as I feel every day. 

I want to journal about it and make it public: post my metrics and goals for all to see. Even if it’s only me who reads these, the simple act of documenting my efforts and keeping a record will help keep me motivated. I resurrected an old food journal that I used to fill out for a boot camp program I did years ago (this was what got me started on my weightloss journey). I copied a blank page and intended on uploading a scanned image of it here, but it seems that WordPress does not allow PDFs to be inserted as an image. So I’m hoping to figure out how to effortlessly scan and upload my food journal images to post on here.

To start me off, I am posting my subject weight in the title of this post. It is over 40 pounds from where I was when I was running, and I’m a bit embarrassed by it, but I need to get over the shame of the now and focus on my goal.