I’m 218 days into writing every day (not always successfully), and I still have no idea what topic I would pick if I had to choose one. I think the problem is that I want to be able to write about everything and anything, but at the same time, I am so reluctant to make things personal. Could it be that I am a jack of all trades and a master of none? Are my insecurities from my adolescent and young adult life still following me around? I don’t know the answer to those questions, but perhaps I may find them one day if I keep doing this.
Different topics have come and gone over the course of this blog, and they’ve each helped me in one way or another. Writing about my experience as a gay man had its appeal and purpose when I was first coming out. However, I have been blessed extraordinarily, and my sexuality is something I rarely think about these days. Writing about food seems too overdone these days. I was photographing my food and commenting on it on my social media long before Instagram. It was something unique and special. At one point, I had four different friends ask me about restaurant recommendations to take their girlfriends to. It was very flattering and makes me smile even now. But where I once felt like the evangelizer of dining at delicious places, I began to feel like I was just one more voice in a church singing the same hymn. Documenting my fitness journey brought me much joy, and I now look upon that past with nostalgia. So the temptation is once again there to resume that journey since it has been a few years, and I could frankly use the motivation to work out more.
Then there are topics of interest that I haven’t written about. I have only written a handful of times about the performances I attended. This is a favorite subject of mine, and I am thrilled when I can talk to someone about classical music, but these kindred spirits are not common. I have often found myself enthusiastically talking about music only to be met with the disheartening smiles and nods so often feined by people too polite to let you know you’ve exceeded their attention span on the subject. I can vividly remember one instance many years ago where I was describing one of my favorite opera scenes to someone: I was on the verge of tears as I relived the opera’s emotions and stopped myself midsentence when I realized the other person looked disinterested.
The other topic I rarely touch upon is religion and spirituality. I feel that in today’s world, it is worse than coming out as gay. It seems that people who openly profess their faith are stigmatized. There is a certain hypocrisy in a world that claims to be fighting for diversity and inclusivity and yet brands those people of faith as outdated, ignorant, and out of place. The fact is that in our unpredictable and fast-changing world, I am increasingly attracted to the comforts of centuries-old religious traditions. I am far from being a good Catholic boy, but that is a goal that seems increasingly appealing. So I yearn to explore and discover more about religion and spirituality. However, as a new pilgrim on this journey, I don’t feel qualified to write on the subject. More importantly, I feel my journey is still too young and fragile to expose out in the open. I want it to take root and watch it grow. Perhaps I’m just insecure and too afraid to profess my faith.
Journalling on this blog really does serve as a form of therapy for me. After writing all of the above, I feel much better about my writing. I have an idea or two that have started to float around in my mind as a result of this writing exercise.