I wrote the title of this blog earlier in the day as I was thinking how it’s so difficult for me to just be myself. I have gotten much more comfortable with being myself as I get older, but I think back to different settings in the past and I have almost invariably tried to tweak myself in one way or another for the sake of fitting in. Many a times I have tried to take an interest in things because I saw someone else is interested in them.
Later in the day we were driving past an area with some of those bohemian free-spirit shops and centers and my thoughts turned introspective. Without the influence of anyone I have this desire of partaking–even if just a little–in that lifestyle that connects me with the more spiritual and more in touch with my emotions and those of others. However, I also consider myself fairly conservative and I am most comfortable in the cut and dry world of numbers, business, laws and regulations, and a routine. Is this just me trying to fit into two seemingly incongruous lifestyles because I don’t want to choose? Or do I struggle with these two worlds because I do not allow myself to be…myself?
Perhaps I am meant to exist in both these places. During my last semester of my Masters in Business Administration I took a class just to get the necessary credits to complete my degree and it dealt with mindfulness. It was the most ridiculous thing to have such a class at a top business school–or so I thought. I wrote a terrible review of the class and the professor saying that there should be no place for such a class in a masters program and I now have a deep regret of writing all of that. I find myself doing far more meditation than I ever thought I would and I can sincerely say that it has helped me during stressful times at work and in my personal life.
So do I pick a side or can I let myself embrace the spiritual, the bohemian, the mindfulness while maintaining my love of numbers, facts, rules, and social norms? I believe there is room for both!